Okay, yesterday I shared with you something I've never tell anyone in my life (I mean persons who aren't in my Circle of Trust) and now I feel I can tell anything about everything. Why should I feel shame because I had a rough and depressive past? I'm over it right now, at least, broadly I am.
I have terrible days and nights. Who doesn't? But to be honest, those bad days are worse than the health people could have. If I had a bad day I'm liable to feel suicidal liability, it made me a maniac depressive, but nowadays I can handle with it.
I can be thankful for my Mom, for my LoVe, but mostly for MYSELF. Hah, did I sound too self-confident? I didn't mean. But think it deeply! I was alone, all alone in the world, even if my family, my class- and collagemates were around me and my world slowly but surely closed aroundme. It felt like I will choke one day into self-pity. I had a pain. I mean a real one, a special one I can recognize anytime and when I feel that one special pain I know that something is getting wrong and I should be careful! I feel that pain in my chest, somewhere around my lungs. Like I can't breathe... If I'm in a very bad mood, sometimes I can't really breathe and I feel I could die immediately. And sometimes I wish to.
And even if I felt awful, I could make it better! By myself. Okay, I had to go to the very end to realize that Life is such a great thing, but I did it. I could think through the whole suicidal life-style, the self-pity and think positively my future life.
When I went to the hospital that night, I left a message to Mom on the mirror: "I went to the hospital because I took some pills. I'll be back. Kiss." Ridiclious, isn't it? I already was in the resting room after gastric lavage, infusion in the arm, shaking as hell when Mom called me on my cell that where the hell I am... I tried to explain her where I am exactly and then she arrived.... And I suddenly felt a terrible shame. Not before and not since then I haven't felt shame why I did that, but then when I saw my Mom confused, broken and in absolute fear... I was broken too. And we started to talk. I haven't talk with her before that night and to tell her my feeling was kinda weird and really hard. I didn't want to tell her only the last few weeks happenings but the last years happenings and it took some time to be able to tell her clearly everything. But I also did it. And I suddenly felt... Stronger? The weight of the pains didn't presurred on me anymore and it made me feel alive and free. And I knew the new life is coming.
But... I haven't stop cutting myself. I will tell you about it, but it's a part of the next explanation, so I won't tell you more right now. Be patient.
Today I made the box I will put LoVe's presents in. It was hard to do when a cat get her claes into my legs and bite me where she can reach me, so I needed my Mom to help me with her. Anyway, the box looks wonderful, I think, I'm so proud of myself. >D Take a look!
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