Well, it's hard to tell about it.
I shouldn't start it from the "big event", it started earlier. About 10-15 years earlier.
Simple story: parents divorced, life fallen apart, heart ripped apart, soul darkened. And I was only 4. I could remember the day when we left my father whom I loved with every inches of my little heart and in the corner of my mind I knew I won't see him soon. It took another years I could finally met him... I dreamt about it all night, I missed him so much and couldn't understand why couldn't he call me up or write me a letter? He never did. No! Once. He sent me a birthday card in August. The problem is that my birthday is in November. Nevermind. So, when I finally met him I was the most disappointed person in the whole world. He never looked at me, he could only argue with Mom...
For years since we moved from the family nest, I was angry at my Mom. I always blamed her because I couldn't met my father and as I raised I was getting hate and hate my mother for nothing. Whatever she said to me, I never listened to her. I have an elder sister, she is the total opposite of me. She loves to learn and she is self-confident in work, not me, who never knew what to do and never wanted to do anything but thinking and listening music. So, my Mom had to fought with me all the time and our relationship was getting worse each day. I blamed her of my heart's pain, that I missed my father...
And this feeling didn't changed when I realized that I don't have any father, because that man who is biologically is my father could be never my real one. He could only care about himself and doesn't love his children. So I forgot him. Forever.
The fact is that I was always alone. I had friends, but I always felt like I'm all alone in the world. I had nobody to call up if I wanted to have a party and the sad thing is that I never had a party feeling, at all. It's sad, isn't it? The only entertaining in my life were books and music and movies and then later the Internet. Nothing else.
When I went into collage, it made some problems, it made me more lonely. I yearned for love. And I hadn't got any.
It made me suicidal. The first time I cut myself was when I was 14. First year in high school, at the (very) bottom of the echelon and I was desperate. I went into the bathroom and took a knife with me. When I went out, I had 10 tiny bleeding wounds on my wrists and I was satisfied. And as weeks passed, I got more. It went into a habit, but a very flashy one. My mother sometimes recognized them, but I always said something to hide them. Later it came out of her that she didn't eat what I said. That's it.
I was 16 when I thought about Death first time. I mean, seriously. Hmm, it's hard to describe... It felt like you know it's not good to think about but you can't resist. And I thought about it more often... Then I couldn't think about anything else... My feeling turned up, it was hilarious! When I thought about the very end my heart started pounded heavily, I was raptured! But I knew that I would never have the strenght to make it happen. I'm a person who has to be the very very end of the edge to be able to jump off and I was away from the very very end that time. But I tried to ask for help. I went to a psychologist. Heh, it was a joke. She just made me more sure that one day will come my end day, really soon. But it was useful, because I had to go to her in school time so I could skip a day in a week with confirmation. ;)
And years passed. I graduated, I got in a university but I decided to pass a year and I will finish the 5th, complementary year in high school to get a paper that I'm a fashion designer (which means nothing!). I remember... Summer of 2009. I was happy. I already knew that the end day was coming and getting closer each day. I could feel it in my bones. So, I made my last summer memorable for my family who say since that it was the perfect summer, I never seen happier in my life. And I just smiled, I was nice, I was Mom's little angel, etc. And I couldn't wait for the perfect time.
The school started. I wasn't in collage anymore, I choose the bus which meant that I had to wake up 5 in the morning to reach the 6 o'clock bus in time. I was at school until 3 in the afternoon and I only arrived home at 5. Then I had to start learning to finish everything, but it was impossible. I was tired and I slept on my books at my desk. I always felt like I could fall asleep. And sometimes, I did. Blame me if you can. But after some weeks I thought: Fuck you. And I stopped learning, I only read entertaining books and use Internet. But my mother wasn't that calm like me, she tried to reassure me... Useless.
To make her more angry, I started to skip school. I went to the city of my school but I never stepped throught the threshold of the building.
1. I went to the plaza.
2. I went back home with the next run.
Once or twice I was nabbed by Mom when she jumped back home for something for her work and I was lying on the bed in the morning... In the first times I should say I'm sick (I'm good at pretending), I don't have the first some classes... But when the letter came from my teacher that I missed to visit school for a month... It was on 8th of October, 2009. My mother and I had a huge fight about it and the school made me to decide: will I stay or quit? I choose staying. What else I could do? Mom said if I'm gonna quit, I have to move... Where else could I go? Nowhere. So, I stayed. But I had the worst week I ever had in my life! Mom didn't say a single word to me, and it made me angrier. I felt shame but she didn't care about my apologises. And then... We fought again. And then... She did the one thing I was waited for... Gave me the thing what gave me enough strong to end my life...
(this is the part when you hold back your breath....... ..... ..... more..... ..... ..... )
She took away my laptop.
(and now: you can laugh!)
Yes. On 15th October I arrived home from school after a very shit and rainy day for my laptop was missing. And I knew she took away to punish me.
I could write you how I did what I did. But why should I boring you? In keywords:
.Anger.
.Pain.
.More anger.
.Huge knife.
.Cuts.
.Bleeding wounds.
.Desperation.
.Farewell letters.
.Blood.
.Not enough blood.
.Desperation.
.Medicines.
.Calmness.
.Bed.
.Lying.
.Thoughts.
.Fear.
.Mobile.
.Emergency.
.Help.
After 1 hour with the medicines in my system I was afraid of the future. I thought that if I'm gonna kill myself right now I will miss so much experience I don't want to miss. I don't want to miss a thing. (Yeah, I love that song!) I felt awful, I shook, I puked, I saw in double... Terrifying. So I called the emergency and when I said the man I took some pills he asked me that "Do you want to die?". No, I just took 50 pills accidentially! Stupid asshole! Anyway, I said I don't want anymore, to make him calm. And the emergency car picked me up and the nice doctor waited for me with a pipe and so much liquid. Pipe down in my throat into my stomach, water poured down into the pipe, my stomach filled with the liquid and I puked until the rest of the pills got out of my system. It took some time. And then I got infusions and a nice bed beside my colleague (who came 15 minutes before me with the same problem) and the worst night of my life started.
.Shaking.
.Puking.
.Diarrhea.
.Insomnia.
.Tiredness.
And Mom's visit. It was the worst part, I think. The question I didn't want to hear or answer it: Why?
Why not? I tried to explain it to Mom that it was in me for years and now it broke up. And yes, I really wanted to die, it was serious. And then my mother realized that I thought it serious and she could lost me easily. The doctor told us that if I didn't call the emergency at least in 10 minutes I would lost my concous and I would die. And it pumped into my head. I would die. I was at the Gate of Hell! I could only think about it next day when I was at home.
I was with my Mom and my sis who came home as soon as she got know about what I did but she didn't say any rude thing when we met in the doorway, but she embraced me. Oh, my dear...
I went away for a while and I was thinking. I knew I made the right decision. I've never felt so powerful than that day and it was impossible to belive. Even if the doctor said I have sickness what will follow me through my life, like heart-problems, blood-pressure problems, stomach problems, etc. But... I wanted to live! And the quote what followed me through my life came into my head:
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
And I decided that I will never go back into depression, I won't let myself sink into darkness again. I will make my life happier. I will live deliberately.
I. Will. Live.
And it works. I went to school on 17th of October like nothing had happened two days before and I could feel the power inside of me. But I knew I won't finish the last year, so I just made happy times with my classmates. And finally, on 2nd of February 2010 I left school.
But it's an other story...
