Sorry

I feel sorry about my absence, but as I told you before, I don't have any internet in the near of my house in the town where I live with LoVe, so I can only use Internet when I'm at my Mom's flat like now. 

I did write blog without Internet still and I saved those posts to my pendrive what I forgot to carry with myself when I came home. So, all the stories about my New Year's Eve and so will be posted next time I come home, until then I'm gonna write. I already wrote, so I post it right now.

2011-01-11

Second day without LoVe. I had hard moments yesterday when I wanted to wrapped my arms around him, I wanted him to be with me, but today it's all gone. I'm happy alone.

On Sunday, he brought me and mom home and he stood with me all night long and only went home on Monday early morning. I let him go without a sad word.

Yesterday was anyway a bad day, even if I didn't miss him too much, but Mom and my sister made me angry. The plan was that that Mom and I will go to my sis on Friday because she's gonna get her diploma on Saturday in the form of a ceremony, but she called us on Monday that something is wrong. She lives with our aunt who is only 5 years older than me and aunt's friend who has the rent. My sis asked that friend that will she be there at the rent this weekend and the girl said she won't but behind the back of my sis, my aunt and the friend talked about that the girl's parents will be there this weekend, so it seems to that we'll be 9 in that rent which is so so so little for even 6 person, not 9! So... I decided that I won't go on Friday night, but on Saturday's morning and I'll come back in the afternoon. Of course, it was originally Mom's plan but after some hours she changed her mind and said, we should go on Friday... A-a... I said no. She doesn't like the idea of my changes, but I said I really won't go on Friday to hear and see how my all family is argue with each other. And I have my word. When I talked on phone with Granny I told her too and she didn't like it too, but I don't care.

And... the real reason why I'm really here is the Internet. Or, it was. Because yesterday afternoon all the Internet and the cabel tv was gone. I called up the sevice today and they said they will send someone to fix the problem in 72 hours. Fine. But until? What should I do here? I cleaned up the whole house, watched movies... Like I am at home...

I finished Vanity Fair yesterday and I thought about something strange. Our love with LoVe is so like that George and Amelia's. LoVe as George, wants to have fun in every occassion, never think seriously. And there is me as Amelia: I love him truely, unconditionally and irrevocably. And at the end of their story we could see, they really didn't match.

But Vanity Fair didn't tell what if George didn't marry Miss Amelia Sedley but someone else, someone stronger and meaner like him... What would happen if George would marry Miss Rebecca Sharp?
Because this time I'm more like Becky than Emmy. I'm confident in our relationship but I can say it easily because I'm away from him right now and it's not so sure that I can be that confident in the near of him. Maybe I will break when I'll go back. But I'm pretty sure or at least, I hope I won't. It's the third day without him and in the past I would go back to him to be his little puppy. But not this time. Not just because I can't, but because I don't want to. It's a training for myself, to excersise my mind and my heart for distance. Distance, what separate me from him in mind and heart, to be able to live alone if it's neccessary or possible. Because in that little town I am closed. In mind and in phisically too. I have no mood to go out to the city, I just sit in that house and wait until I can start cooking or something... Such a boredom. 

---

Well, that's all what had happened. Now, I'm sitting in front of the laptop appr. 12 hours ago and I haven't talk with LoVe for 9 hours. He told he will call me and he usually does it, but... it's 21:13 and no calling. Hm, there are four options.

1. He is sleeping right now which is not surprising.

2. He is in a bar right now which is not surprising either, but really annoying.

3. He is at our friend's and drinking-chatting. It'd be kind of okay.

4. He is playing computer games.

But even one of them is true, that doesn't mean he couldn't call me for 9 hours! And why I can kick out the first option is that he poked me on Facebook some minutes ago... But no phone calling... Nice. And I shouldn't be angry? I'm not angry, really. Just... I don't care. He plays like this, I will play like this too. And who will be offended about it? Not me...

Anyway... Two days until my Sis's diploma ceremony and I only could download one movie of her wishlist. 

The three movies:

• Eat, pray, love
• Going the Distance
• The Ghost Writer

Each are very great movie, I think and would be pleasure to be the one who can give it to her, so I work hard to can download each of them. But T-Mobile makes my work even harder. Sometimes I have Internet, sometimes I don't have Internet... in the middle of the downloading. Hm.... I tried to download GTD 6 times when I said I gave up. But then I took a deep deep deep breath and tried again. And now I got it! Hehehhhehhhhheeehhhhheeeee! Fuck you, T-Mobile!

With this nice thought I wish you good night or day!

Playlist

I thought I will do Playlist (5 song - one day - per every week), so you can get a sneak peak of my personal favourites. Let's see them!

Nightwish: Everdream (End of an Era, 2005)
- This is the song what I listened during I tried to kill myself. People could think it's hard to listen this song since then, but honestly... I love more than this song than I could hate it because I listened it a bad time. So, this is all time favourite.

 

HIM: Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart 

- HIM is my favourite band. I've listened them since I was 11 and I love them mercilessly.  

Fabolous: Breath

 

 

Blue&Elton John: Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word

 

Beat Dis: Nonstop Playground

Next week I'll share you another five! :)

Speak

Okay, yesterday I shared with you something I've never tell anyone in my life (I mean persons who aren't in my Circle of Trust) and now I feel I can tell anything about everything. Why should I feel shame because I had a rough and depressive past? I'm over it right now, at least, broadly I am. 

I have terrible days and nights. Who doesn't? But to be honest, those bad days are worse than the health people could have. If I had a bad day I'm liable to feel suicidal liability, it made me a maniac depressive, but nowadays I can handle with it. 

I can be thankful for my Mom, for my LoVe, but mostly for MYSELF. Hah, did I sound too self-confident? I didn't mean. But think it deeply! I was alone, all alone in the world, even if my family, my class- and collagemates were around me and my world slowly but surely closed aroundme. It felt like I will choke one day into self-pity. I had a pain. I mean a real one, a special one I can recognize anytime and when I feel that one special pain I know that something is getting wrong and I should be careful! I feel that pain in my chest, somewhere around my lungs. Like I can't breathe... If I'm in a very bad mood, sometimes I can't really breathe and I feel I could die immediately. And sometimes I wish to. 

And even if I felt awful, I could make it better! By myself. Okay, I had to go to the very end to realize that Life is such a great thing, but I did it. I could think through the whole suicidal life-style, the self-pity and think positively my future life. 

When I went to the hospital that night, I left a message to Mom on the mirror: "I went to the hospital because I took some pills. I'll be back. Kiss." Ridiclious, isn't it? I already was in the resting room after gastric lavage, infusion in the arm, shaking as hell when Mom called me on my cell that where the hell I am... I tried to explain her where I am exactly and then she arrived.... And I suddenly felt a terrible shame. Not before and not since then I haven't felt shame why I did that, but then when I saw my Mom confused, broken and in absolute fear... I was broken too. And we started to talk. I haven't talk with her before that night and to tell her my feeling was kinda weird and really hard. I didn't want to tell her only the last few weeks happenings but the last years happenings and it took some time to be able to tell her clearly everything. But I also did it. And I suddenly felt... Stronger? The weight of the pains didn't presurred on me anymore and it made me feel alive and free. And I knew the new life is coming.

But... I haven't stop cutting myself. I will tell you about it, but it's a part of the next explanation, so I won't tell you more right now. Be patient.

Today I made the box I will put LoVe's presents in. It was hard to do when a cat get her claes into my legs and bite me where she can reach me, so I needed my Mom to help me with her. Anyway, the box looks wonderful, I think, I'm so proud of myself. >D Take a look!

I hope LoVe would lOvE it. >) Comment?

Busy day

Christmas is knocking on the door! 

I had to buy some present for my LoVe, to complementer the other presents. I decided to buy him more little things, not just one bigger, so I packed together his needs, his favourites like:

- working gloves

- handcream for extra dry skin

- 3 in 1 coffee

- chocolate

- energy drink

- cigarette

He works with animals on a field and he always gets wounds and injuries, so he really needs working gloves. And because his handskin is so dry and rough, I bought him a cream. :) He would really appreciate them! And the coffee... Hmm... Coffee... Yeah, we have a coffee addiction, so coffee for present is basic. He wakes up in the really early morning, so he needs more energy than a cup of coffee, so I often buy him some energy drink too. He has his bad habit too: chocolate. :D And of course, cigarette. :) 

I planned to take them into a shoebox what I will wrap with black wrapping paper and I will tie around it with a red ribbon. I think it will look amazing!

I haven't tell you until now that I have a child. She is two months old, likes to mew and a little hairy. So, she is a little cat. I got it from LoVe for my B-Day and I named her Catty. I know, it's not a very creative name, but it fits on her. 

My sister had a soul problem, she is crying right now next to me about her job, her friendships... It's hard to hear that her life is in a valley and I can't help her. We never had a real sisterhood, so I don't have the right to give her advances and she wouldn't agree that. 

Anyway, she reached more than me: she was an A student all the time, she won so many maths competition, she had a great job and so many friends. I was never a good student. I never met any competition. I don't have a good job. And I don't have too many friends. But it's good for me, because now I see how hard her life is, and I know I can't do this. 

My life is simple, even if I don't like it too much, but I'm okay with it.

And now, I want to share with you a good music, one of my favourite.

30 Seconds To Mars - Hurricane (without Kanye West - rigidly!)

Explanation I - About left school

Well, it's hard to tell about it.

I shouldn't start it from the "big event", it started earlier. About 10-15 years earlier. 

Simple story: parents divorced, life fallen apart, heart ripped apart, soul darkened. And I was only 4. I could remember the day when we left my father whom I loved with every inches of my little heart and in the corner of my mind I knew I won't see him soon. It took another years I could finally met him... I dreamt about it all night, I missed him so much and couldn't understand why couldn't he call me up or write me a letter? He never did. No! Once. He sent me a birthday card in August. The problem is that my birthday is in November. Nevermind. So, when I finally met him I was the most disappointed person in the whole world. He never looked at me, he could only argue with Mom... 

For years since we moved from the family nest, I was angry at my Mom. I always blamed her because I couldn't met my father and as I raised I was getting hate and hate my mother for nothing. Whatever she said to me, I never listened to her. I have an elder sister, she is the total opposite of me. She loves to learn and she is self-confident in work, not me, who never knew what to do and never wanted to do anything but thinking and listening music. So, my Mom had to fought with me all the time and our relationship was getting worse each day. I blamed her of my heart's pain, that I missed my father...

And this feeling didn't changed when I realized that I don't have any father, because that man who is biologically is my father could be never my real one. He could only care about himself and doesn't love his children. So I forgot him. Forever.

The fact is that I was always alone. I had friends, but I always felt like I'm all alone in the world. I had nobody to call up if I wanted to have a party and the sad thing is that I never had a party feeling, at all. It's sad, isn't it? The only entertaining in my life were books and music and movies and then later the Internet. Nothing else.

When I went into collage, it made some problems, it made me more lonely. I yearned for love. And I hadn't got any.

It made me suicidal. The first time I cut myself was when I was 14. First year in high school, at the  (very) bottom of the echelon and I was desperate. I went into the bathroom and took a knife with me. When I went out, I had 10 tiny bleeding wounds on my wrists and I was satisfied. And as weeks passed, I got more. It went into a habit, but a very flashy one. My mother sometimes recognized them, but I always said something to hide them. Later it came out of her that she didn't eat what I said. That's it.

I was 16 when I thought about Death first time. I mean, seriously. Hmm, it's hard to describe... It felt like you know it's not good to think about but you can't resist. And I thought about it more often... Then I couldn't think about anything else... My feeling turned up, it was hilarious! When I thought about the very end my heart started pounded heavily, I was raptured! But I knew that I would never have the strenght to make it happen. I'm a person who has to be the very very end of the edge to be able to jump off and I was away from the very very end that time. But I tried to ask for help. I went to a psychologist. Heh, it was a joke. She just made me more sure that one day will come my end day, really soon. But it was useful, because I had to go to her in school time so I could skip a day in a week with confirmation. ;)

And years passed. I graduated, I got in a university but I decided to pass a year and I will finish the 5th, complementary year in high school to get a paper that I'm a fashion designer (which means nothing!). I remember... Summer of 2009. I was happy. I already knew that the end day was coming and getting closer each day. I could feel it in my bones. So, I made my last summer memorable for my family who say since that it was the perfect summer, I never seen happier in my life. And I just smiled, I was nice, I was Mom's little angel, etc. And I couldn't wait for the perfect time.

The school started. I wasn't in collage anymore, I choose the bus which meant that I had to wake up 5 in the morning to reach the 6 o'clock bus in time. I was at school until 3 in the afternoon and I only arrived home at 5. Then I had to start learning to finish everything, but it was impossible. I was tired and I slept on my books at my desk. I always felt like I could fall asleep. And sometimes, I did. Blame me if you can. But after some weeks I thought: Fuck you. And I stopped learning, I only read entertaining books and use Internet. But my mother wasn't that calm like me, she tried to reassure me... Useless. 

To make her more angry, I started to skip school. I went to the city of my school but I never stepped throught the threshold of the building. 

1. I went to the plaza. 

2. I went back home with the next run.

Once or twice I was nabbed by Mom when she jumped back home for something for her work and I was lying on the bed in the morning... In the first times I should say I'm sick (I'm good at pretending), I don't have the first some classes... But when the letter came from my teacher that I missed to visit school for a month... It was on 8th of October, 2009. My mother and I had a huge fight about it and the school made me to decide: will I stay or quit? I choose staying. What else I could do? Mom said if I'm gonna quit, I have to move... Where else could I go? Nowhere. So, I stayed. But I had the worst week I ever had in my life! Mom didn't say a single word to me, and it made me angrier. I felt shame but she didn't care about my apologises. And then... We fought again. And then... She did the one thing I was waited for... Gave me the thing what gave me enough strong to end my life... 

(this is the part when you hold back your breath....... ..... ..... more..... ..... ..... )  

She took away my laptop. 

(and now: you can laugh!)

Yes. On 15th October I arrived home from school after a very shit and rainy day for my laptop was missing. And I knew she took away to punish me. 

I could write you how I did what I did. But why should I boring you? In keywords: 

.Anger.

.Pain.

.More anger.

.Huge knife.

.Cuts.

.Bleeding wounds.

.Desperation.

.Farewell letters.

.Blood.

.Not enough blood.

.Desperation.

.Medicines.

.Calmness.

.Bed.

.Lying.

.Thoughts.

.Fear.

.Mobile.

.Emergency.

.Help.

After 1 hour with the medicines in my system I was afraid of the future. I thought that if I'm gonna kill myself right now I will miss so much experience I don't want to miss. I don't want to miss a thing. (Yeah, I love that song!) I felt awful, I shook, I puked, I saw in double... Terrifying. So I called the emergency and when I said the man I took some pills he asked me that "Do you want to die?". No, I just took 50 pills accidentially! Stupid asshole! Anyway, I said I don't want anymore, to make him calm. And the emergency car picked me up and the nice doctor waited for me with a pipe and so much liquid. Pipe down in my throat into my stomach, water poured down into the pipe, my stomach filled with the liquid and I puked until the rest of the pills got out of my system. It took some time. And then I got infusions and a nice bed beside my colleague (who came 15 minutes before me with the same problem) and the worst night of my life started.

.Shaking.

.Puking.

.Diarrhea.

.Insomnia.

.Tiredness.

And Mom's visit. It was the worst part, I think. The question I didn't want to hear or answer it: Why? 

Why not? I tried to explain it to Mom that it was in me for years and now it broke up. And yes, I really wanted to die, it was serious. And then my mother realized that I thought it serious and she could lost me easily. The doctor told us that if I didn't call the emergency at least in 10 minutes I would lost my concous and I would die. And it pumped into my head. I would die. I was at the Gate of Hell! I could only think about it next day when I was at home.

I was with my Mom and my sis who came home as soon as she got know about what I did but she didn't say any rude thing when we met in the doorway, but she embraced me. Oh, my dear...

I went away for a while and I was thinking. I knew I made the right decision. I've never felt so powerful than that day and it was impossible to belive. Even if the doctor said I have sickness what will follow me through my life, like heart-problems, blood-pressure problems, stomach problems, etc. But... I wanted to live! And the quote what followed me through my life came into my head: 

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

And I decided that I will never go back into depression, I won't let myself sink into darkness again. I will make my life happier. I will live deliberately. 

I. Will. Live.

And it works. I went to school on 17th of October like nothing had happened two days before and I could feel the power inside of me. But I knew I won't finish the last year, so I just made happy times with my classmates. And finally, on 2nd of February 2010 I left school. 

But it's an other story...

Forgot

Oh, shit...

Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.

My name is Hella Catwood but you can guess it's not my real name. I used to use it on the Internet. By the way, it's from my nickname 'Hellcat' and I made a full name of it: Hella Catwood. I like it.

I'm in the beginning of my twenties, so I'm still young.

I studied for being a fashion designer for 12 and a half years, but I had to finish it because of my health problems (More about the causes in the next post), but I don't mind. For a year I was at home, cared about my soul and my life and enjoyed my love with my LoVe. (I will mention him under this nickname). And I thought I'm out of misery, I'm out of pain but I've never made a huge mistake than when I said that. With LoVe my life turned 180 degrees. (More about love soon) After appr. one year I went to a university to study free liberal arts but it wasn't my way so I left it too, and made my beloved ones nervous again about myself. 

So since October I'm free again and I have too much time too think.

Facts about me:

- I have dark brown eyes and originally I had chocolate brown hair but I dyed it to aubergine purple (dark, only could see in the sunlight) but when it started to fade away it slowly went into red and ouch! I hated it. So I tried to came back into brown, firstly with a light caramel brown, but because it was red again after 2-3 hairwash, I used a darker and a more darker brown, but it had always that red-like attitude. So... I dyed it again into a dark and warm burgundy purple. And it's purple for 4 weeks, so far. ;)

- I always bite my nails. It's an old bad habit I couldn't resist but as years passed I slowly came out of it but if I'm nervous my first thing to do it bite my nails into flesh. I used several nail polish,I used to use a special one. I was so happy to found a polish with anti bite treatment. When I first tried it I licked it and aoww... Terribly bitter! But after another 100 licks I used to it and it was useless to polish my nails with that. 

- Usually, I polish my nails with dark colours, often dark purple but my favourite is my killer red. Amazing!

- And I won't tell you a top secret if I tell you my favourite colours: purple, red, silver, black, poison green and their mix.

- My style is absolute can tell you about me everything. I'm lazy, I'm kind of an i-do-not-care person. Some people say I'm bohemian. Heh, yeah, I can say it. I wear usually black, mostly my top wears, but not only because I'm a dark minded person, it has a practical reason: I can sweat hardly and I don't like the huge patches under my armpits (and I guess noone else like them) and the deos can't be useful. 

- I use spray deo (Nivea Pearl&Beauty), its odour lasts longer for me. 

- My favourite jewelry is my ring what I got from my LoVe for Valentine's Day. We were together for 1 and a half MONTHS and he kneeled down in front of me and opened this heart shaped box and the only thing I could say: "Baby, say you won't ask me any question!". Fortunately, he didn't. He said, this ring is about his love about me, not an engagement. And a Mount Everest fallen down of my heart. :D 

- Another nice jewelry of mine is my watch. It looks like an old watch and I fallen in love with it.

- One thing I always carry with me: my sensitive rouge from Neutrogena with Norwegian Formula. My lips can dry out often by the cold wind, by the warm weather, etc. and it hurts. Like now. So, I use this lipstick thickly on my lips.

- Along with the deo I use a perfume since it released in 2009. I got it from my aunt for Christmas, it was a collection with a 2.5 fl oz perfume spray and a same quantity of shower gel. I just went another bottle of perfume (3rd times during this year). Oh, and it is... Halle by Halle Berry. 

- About another bad habit... I smoke. I can say worse thing: since I was 11. So, almost ten years... Ouch! I can feel the disadvantages: I often out of breath, my heart hurts, my halitosis... pff... nevermind... and etc. But I can't put it down, not for a week. So, I try to squeeze the dose to a healtier quantity, I mean 1-3/day. Well... At least, I try. :D During the years my style changed. First time I smoked Red Marlboro.what I found on the street. Everybody who smoke that first time said they puked and felt awful... I lit up another next to the previous. But because I was only 11 I couldn't buy any cigarettes so I had to smoke my Mom's... and that was mountwind, nothing. So, when I went into high school to an other city my first thing to do was take advantage of that I looked older and bought a Red Malboro. I was 14 and my health was already under the frog's ass so I tried to smoke a lighter cigarette. Firstly I smoked Blue cigarettes but one time I had an experimenter moment and bought a Green one... And I liked it. Now, I only could smoke Green cigarettes. Mostly, Green Bond - it's cheaper and have a good taste. :)

Well, first time I think I told you many things but if I forgot to tell you something I will, promise. ;) Comments? :)

First

This is my firts post in my blog.

I have never got  a blog before, so it's a new experience for me, I guess.

If you will follow me in my journey, maybe you'll feel the same as me or you'll think I'm crazy, but nevermind, it's okay. 

I'll really appreciate every comments and messages and will answer all of them, even if it's good or bad, but please, no rude comments! Thank you.

And... Maybe you already recognized but I want to be honest so I tell you personally that I'm not American, British and I don't live in any countries where the people speaks English, so I only use that little knowledge I have got now. It's a practise for me, I'll try to upgrade my English knowledge.

But it's not an English schoolbook, I won't write about grammar or something like that. It's my journey in my LIFE and I want to share every feelings with you. I will post my favourite songs and their lyrics, poems and quotes. 

And once again: sorry for my bad English! It's gonna be better, I promise!

About posting time... Where I am now, it's my original home where my mom lives alone now since my sister and I moved out. Now I live with my boyfriend, 22 miles away and there is no Internet, so I only can post when I am here which is not so often, BUT! I will write my posts in my laptop almost every day and as soon as I can reach the Internet I will put them up. Deal?

But now... Let get it started!